melocoton

There is so much more that I had wanted to say to you. I wanted the eternity of time to tell you how sorry I was for everything. Now I realize I don’t even have one second to speak to you. When I was privileged to be with you, fortunate enough to have you as my partner, there were so many days spent with you thinking that I was unhappy with you when that was not so. Not ever. I remember you mentioning me crying all the time. I cried because I really wanted to be worthy enough to have your love and dedication. It scared me because I had never felt the way I felt towards you for anyone else. I am so sorry for that. I now realize how wrong I was for many actions that I did or did not commit. I’m especially sorry for all the hurt that you felt because you had believed certain things that I could have but never corrected.

I love you still John and I always will. I long to tell you this while looking into your beautiful eyes. I am sorry that I hurt you. I am sorry that I did not tell you how I felt sooner, when we still had a chance. When you did not have a new person in your life making you content. My heart longs for you day in and day out. But I know that I was unfair to you and that is why you had to make a choice. So you chose her. I wish I could change your mind about that but I don’t want to interfere more than I already am or have. So I accept your decision and I accept my pain as I realize that the same was reciprocated towards you nearly a year ago. I miss you so much baby. I don’t know how to function. I am so sorry for not telling you this every day. I’m sorry for not being there to hold you at night when you had called out my name. I am sorry that I did not just hold you so tight and not let go of you when we fought that awful night.

I have learned a lot in this past year and I want to share everything with you. Before I thought that I could rely on only pure demonstration of my own abilities that I didn’t have to do more to try to convince you that I was the right person for you. I did not believe that I had to cajole you that I was the soul mate that you had always sought after because it just was the reality of things to me. Now I can’t separate my thoughts from reality and I don’t know if it really is too late. My head tells me to leave you alone but my heart tells me that it can never be too late. That not too long ago and not too deep down you feel your heart longing for me as well. I know that I think too confidently. I know to even be in the running for your heart (I know it’s not a real competition- but it is a feat that I’d like to achieve) that I have to prove that I have really grown in this past year. I have. I know I need to prove that I am even worthy. I am. I know this now.

I have grown to understand the person that I was and have become. I have grown to understand my areas that needed improvement. I have learned so many lessons. I remember when Elmer called me and told me just that, that you had learned your lesson and that you were prepared to become the best man for me. Baby, you always were the best man in my eyes. I always knew that we had issues, and I never saw them as such a big threat towards our relationship because I knew we always had love and admiration for one another. So when you used to try to make me understand that these issues were our breaking point, it didn’t register. Now I have the comprehension that they were present and there actually are ways to remedy them. We both just had to put our all into it. You may not want to put effort into us again, as things may very well be way easier for you with your girlfriend now. Supreme happiness may now be a reality for you. But I am able to say that I am willing. I know when I was younger (that wasn’t all too long ago- my mind was still green and brand-new); I used to think, “It shouldn’t be this hard.” That was pure silliness on my part. Great achievements are hard. It’s the challenge that makes it all the more rewarding when it works out.

I don’t know how to explain this to you, but I have never been good at leading. Things just always were for me. I never knew what it was to actually work towards attaining someone’s heart. Teach me what it is that I need to do to make you happy. I would do anything. You are a great leader, a great teacher. Por favor amor enseñame. Show me, lead me. To your heart, into your arms again. That is, only if you want to. If you feel that you can again. Please devote some time to me.

You have been my inspiration for so many facets of my life these past few years that I have known you. Because of you I see life so differently. Not only because of what you have said to me, but how you treated me. How we were towards one another. How you showed me love. I have told you so many times and it never registered with you that I never knew love until I met you and that remains my truth. We both have pasts that led us to one another. We can’t change them. Now we even have time and people in between us, but I still believe that it has led me back to you. If that is not the case, just let me know.

By you ignoring me it doesn’t tell me anything. It still gives me hope in my inept mind. I still feel as if what we had held so much value. I know that I said and wrote mean, hurtful words and I am sorry. You know just as well as I do how hard I love and how I just get angry because I don’t know how to put my feelings into words sometimes. I know that my lexicon is vast, but I could never find the words when we spoke. I am sorry for any disrespect that I have ever shown you. The execution of such anger is only because of my deep love for you. I am so sorry for a lot of things. I just would like the opportunity. If given the meager chance, I am sanguine that you would understand. Please let me know if it is too late. You may be thinking that by ignoring me that it’s sufficient and I never understood before how someone could be in denial, when it should be evident, so maybe I am right now. But please tell me something. Anything, don’t keep me guessing. It’s not a demand it’s more like a plea. I have heard you out dozens of times; I just would like one opportunity to have a candid conversation with you. I don’t care who would be around. I am begging for that chance.

These words may seem desperate to you, but I have no reason to feel abashment when telling you my feelings. You are the only person that knows me completely, blemishes and all. I cannot stand the thought of losing you even as a friend. I guess I just don’t understand because I was under the false pretense that you still wanted to speak to me. it sounded to me as if you had still wanted me in your life, what changed? Our last conversation was extremely heartfelt and I told you, “I guess this will be our last… I know your girlfriend would not like this…” and you explained to me as you had grown to understand that an ex can still be a friend, we would be able to speak “soon.” What happened? Why don’t you feel that you at least owe me that explanation? I mean, I am not an imbecile, I am sure I can come up with a thousand reasons as to why this has not been the case, but I want you to tell me. None of this has been easy, but if it is easier for you to send me a note, I’d be able to understand better.

I know we are past so much of this. Past the ignoring and making each other feel like shit just because we cannot be with one another. But I can’t imagine how you could say one day that you wanted to marry me and not even try to speak to me again. Even if it is to tell me that you can no longer speak to me. Do you regret that you ever told me that? Is it something that you felt you said out of egoism? Was it just because I had another person in my life and you couldn’t take that, so you thought you would tell me what I had always wanted to hear? Please help me understand.

I see signs everyday, haven’t you? Or do you choose to ignore them? Are they not present? Are they now present with her? Esto no es una carta de egoisma, I write you these words because I really feel them. I did not choose to love you, I just do and I have tried to forget that but its hard for me. How did you manage to close that door to begin a new life in which you could be happy again? I tried to forget you but it hasn’t worked at all. The memories are ridiculous, but the thoughts of the future are most troubling. I can’t picture myself happy without you. I know that you tried to explain this to me, and I understood it then, but I wasn’t ready.

I wasn’t ready for the situation that I got myself into (I take full responsibility) but I don’t know how many times I have to explain that I didn’t want to always be the weak one. If it’s one thing that you showed me is to have pride. Why didn’t it work for me? Why, utilizing the example that you taught me, did it come back to slap me in the face?

I do not want to believe that it wasn’t meant to be. That all of our words, pain, love has been in vain. This is the worst lesson that I have ever had to encounter. Even my nephew reminds me of you. He will always be a reminder of how your faith and love affected me. I know that you may not fully understand that to the capacity that I feel your presence when I look into his little face and he tells me he loves me. I never got to really spend time with your niece, and now you have a nephew. It kills me that she does. If truth be told, it also kills me that little Briana is a relative to her. I always remember one of our last arguments, before you left the house to play pool with Elmer and she begged me to go to her house with her and she hugged me really tight and told me she loved me and I had just looked into her tiny (girl Elm) face and hoped that one day I would have my own little one holding me like that and wanting me present in his/her life.

This is kind of amusing to me, so I will share. There is a stamp on my desk that reads “MONICA’S DON”T TOUCH!!!”and I refuse to remove that label because I think of your brother Jason calling me Monica to bother me. But anyway, I really don’t want to talk about anyone else either than you and me, because then I falter into thoughts that are just unnecessary. For example: that diabolical myspace. Why anyone would choose to play with my emotions when I am just being myself and saying hello, because I genuinely care about people is beyond me.

I would like to deliver this letter to you in person, but fear what may be waiting at the other side of the door.

don't get me wrong, i did not grow up a wealthy child. it was very rare that money was given to me by my parents. actually, much of my birthday money (given by relatives and family friends) was often replaced with little I.O.U. notes from my mother. i think i am still waiting... but anyway. and i definitely realized that the term dead-beat daddy applied to my own. but, if there was ever one word in the english language that could cajole my father to shell out a few dollars my way was the word "BUDGET."
my mother lived by a strict budget and i guess she had emphasized her structure of their financial situation (when they were together) so much that my father cringed when he heard this word. again, neither of them had good financial habits at that time, many years later i can now say that my mother learned from her mistakes, and my father, well... that's another story in itself.
so here comes me, 26 years old. a couple thousand (VERY few) in the bank, one credit card (that i was ONLY given b/c i work at the corporate office) but slowly and most certainly SURELY removing myself from the debt (it is mild compared to others my age - but nonetheless it bothers b/c there's nothing substantial to really show for it) that i have created throughout the years. on the opposing side, my little brother has perfect credit, no debt and the credit cards with $0 balance. there's my older sister who had proclaimed bankruptcy at the age of 19 and now at the age of thirty has perfect credit and the assets to prove it. but the question still bothers me. how can one live by a budget but not consume herself with this ideal of how much money she should have. and also, what's the point of having all this money when there is always the fact that you may never have the opportunity to use it should something happen to you tomorrow.

but enough of my continuous banter, i just always wonder what other tips are useful when each and every day it seems that we are in more jeapordy than the last generation. i believe this to be so because we are a sociaty that liveson impulse. then we suffer the repercussions (if we were not born into money or are not a golddigger who allows someone else to pay for our debts) by working endless years for our debt, or not. some people are content with living in debt for their entire lives. i know people that even put their two year old daughter in debt.
to me it's infuriating because we are not working for our commodities (as they did back in the day). we only have jobs because we have bills for unnecessary items that we thought we needed years ago and can't even admit that these items no longer hold value (if we even realize what we spent the money on in the first place).
in my previous relationship i focused so much on helping my ex remove himself from debt, and pay his student loans on time, and build up his credit with a secured, then an actual regular credit card, blah blah blah, that i continued to allow my delinquent credit to remain untouched. the same month that we broke up i took control and paid one debt. i felt so good about it. i m continuing on this pattern, just giving my money away and i still have money in the bank. i can'tbelieve it. so if i could do it, i am positive that others can. it really is liberating.
but we must take caution, paying off debt does not mean we now have a new slate tocreate more debt. read again: PAYING OFF DEBT DOES NOT MEAN WE NOW HAVE A CLEAN SLATE TO CREATE MORE DEBT!!!!!
whew... i feel better now.
anyhow, provided here is a link with helpful personal finance advice: http://www.womenspersonalfinance.net/2006/09/46_things_i_wis.html
enjoy!

by way of introduction (that is how i begin each of my emails), i am an ambitious 26 year old dominican/ puerto rican woman from the Bronx. i was once told to not classify myself as neither puerto rican nor dominican because i am human and where my parents are from should not matter to anyone, but because as many twenty-something year old women i am on that search for my inner self. so i feel that i have to address each part of me. some stupid man that i met at a club told me that my top half is puerto rican and my bottom half is ALL DOMINICAN, stupid-ass. anyway. i have decided to put up a blog for my own personal growth. i would wish that fellow bloggers would read it and respond to my posts, but i know very well that i could be on here for a year without one single reader. and it bothers me that i even want the approval (or recognition) from people that do not even know me, but i am human. and we are creatures of habit and egos. to post something on the web as a personal diary is foolish. obviously the blogger wants at least one person to view his/her thoughts.
for me, there are so many things that i'd like to accomplish with this. believe it or not, i want to become a better conversationalist. i already have the talent of writing (though it may not be evident by what you are now reading) but i get so flusterredwhen God forbid I have to initiate a conversation with someone or deliver a message via verbal communication. oh, the agony! its funny, both of my parents are extremely skilled with their interpersonal skills but both my brother and i feel hopeless. so that's one.
second, i want to rant and rave with the anonymity of having a blog like everyone else, without my friends' comments. let it be actual real people. people that don't know me, that are not gonna tell me what they think i want to hear. what is the point of having all these websites dedicated to meeting new people if all you want to add are your friends and leave them stupid comments about "have a tasty thursday" or when i go on those comment sites i am spending more time looking for a funny picture that hasn't already been posted on everyone else's page because the joke just isn't that funny after thirty views.
third, i think i am interesting enough to post a blog, so there!
i am not one of those people that like to hear myself speak, but sometimes i just want to share my opinion with someone. the people that i know are all smart in varied ways, but i don't find myself engaging in intelligent conversation. i have found that most of my adult life's conversations are consistant of nearly 80% complaints. we complain to our co-workers about home life and work. we complain to our housemates about work life and family. and we complain to family about work and home. maybe i am just frustrated lately and think that all i hear are complaints, but i have decided to shut up lately, because i have found myself being one of these people.
also, how about this one, i MISS MY EX!!!!!!!! on a blog that my current boyfriend won't ever read or know it is me writing it, i could say this as many times as i want. i have not been with my ex for over a year but he is the one who holds my heart. he asked me to marry him when i had started my new relationship and i believed that it was just his jealousy driving his persistance so i said no. and even though i still believe he only asked me because he hated the fact that i had someone new in my life, i still cry sometimes because i wish i had said yes. ay, que lastima!
oh, yeah! and the other reason that i am posting a blog is because eventually i am going to be writing in spanish. i just want to practice more. as it stands right now i can read spanish very well, but like with my english conversation skills, i feel that i am a mess with my CONVERSATIONAL SKILLS.
i guess i gotta go right now because my boyfriend just walked through the door.